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Topic: Lightening The Spirit
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Dash Kelderon
On the Road to Redemption
Member # 427
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posted 09-16-2003 04:55 AM
     
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...(Works better if you read it out
loud)1) That's not right .......................... Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao 4) Stupid Man ................................. Dum Fuk 5) Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped into a coffee table ............ Ai Bang Mai Fa
Kin Ni 8) I think you need a face lift ............. Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here ..................... Wao So Dim 10) I thought you were on a diet .............. Wai Yu Mun
Ching 11) This is a tow away zone ................... No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao? 13) Staying out of sight ...................... Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile ............. Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive ............. Yu Stiin kin Pu 16) Great ..................................... Fa Kin Su Pah [ 09-16-2003 04:55 AM: Message edited 1 time, lastly by Dash Kelderon ] -------------------- Those 2 guys may be IDIOTS... but they think the same way I do!
Posts: 655 | From: M.I,A | Registered: Feb 2003 | Logged: 63.88.67.230
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Graysith
Chosen Daughter
Member # 27
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posted 01-22-2004 12:42 PM
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline ! "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?Why do we drive on a parkway, yet park in a driveway?
((We all need to smile every once in awhile!!))
[ 01-22-2004 12:45 PM: Message edited 1 time, lastly by Graysith ] -------------------- I ride the Stormcloud and the Night!
Posts: 3904 | From: Indianola, Iowa | Registered: Jul 2000 | Logged: 64.12.96.43
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Taehun
Dark Jedi
Member # 290
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posted 02-03-2004 11:23 PM
What not to do while watching a Lord of the Rings movie...1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?" 2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better." 3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring." 4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies. 5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts. 6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson." 7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!" 8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs. 9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style. 10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!" 11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!" 12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre. 13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?" 14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie. 15. Start an Orc sing-a-long. 16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused. 17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!" 18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like. 19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene. 20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California. 21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!" -------------------- All in all it was just another brick in the wall,
all in all you were just another brick in the wall.
Posts: 248 | From: USAFA, CO | Registered: Jul 2002 | Logged: 140.32.16.103
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Graysith
Chosen Daughter
Member # 27
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posted 06-06-2004 08:19 PM
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 12. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. 15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 17. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading. 18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. [ 06-06-2004 08:21 PM: Message edited 1 time, lastly by Graysith ] -------------------- I ride the Stormcloud and the Night!
Posts: 3904 | From: Indianola, Iowa | Registered: Jul 2000 | Logged: 205.188.116.198
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Graysith
Chosen Daughter
Member # 27
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posted 09-08-2004 07:57 PM
This was sent to me, and again, I just had to share. Padme, you'll find this a hoot, I think--!
At New York Kennedy airport, today, an individual later discovered to be a
community college teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious
Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search
of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x"
and "y", and, although these individuals are frequently referred to as
"unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the great Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us
to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers
and toes." -------------------- I ride the Stormcloud and the Night!
Posts: 3904 | From: Indianola, Iowa | Registered: Jul 2000 | Logged: 152.163.253.7
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Graysith
Chosen Daughter
Member # 27
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posted 12-16-2004 02:46 PM
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. -------------------- I ride the Stormcloud and the Night!
Posts: 3904 | From: Indianola, Iowa | Registered: Jul 2000 | Logged: 152.163.100.196
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Rykounagin
Son of Conflict
Member # 531
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posted 01-04-2005 04:20 PM
From Dave Barry's: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits Book:I'm glad I got into beer making, because in america, we drink the sisiest, wimpiest beer in the world. While other countries such as denmark drink Ray Charles, we drink Barry Manilow. Reguardless, I'm sure we've all seen the miller or budwieser commercial where some guys are standing at a dock, and for some supernatural reason, a barge breaks loose. Now note that REAL MEN, who drink REAL BEER, would have enough confidence in their Masculinity (which is why american beer commercials overcompensate) would probably be comfortable enough to say: "Dont worry, it's probably insured." But these men feel an overwhelming compulsion to go and jump into some tugboats, and capture the barge with big hairy ropes, while making masculine hand gestures and yelling wildly. After this event, there will be a cause for celebration, which at this time they will obviously go to a bar and drink Budwieser or Miller. You note there are no women around (save the bartender who is obviously a woman for masculine purposes), because they have all gotten tired of hearing: "Hey, we sure captured that barge!" and "You think it's easy to capture a barge? Well it's not!" but then much later into the night of drinking: "Hey, lets go let loose that barge again!" This is why the women have all gone off in a long pilgrimage to find men who make their own beer. -------------------- "I'm not afraid to keep on living, I'm not afraid to walk this world alone;" -Black Parade
Posts: 869 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: May 2004 | Logged: 70.56.6.223
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Rykounagin
Son of Conflict
Member # 531
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posted 03-12-2005 03:36 PM
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!...” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “...I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.-------------------- "I'm not afraid to keep on living, I'm not afraid to walk this world alone;" -Black Parade
Posts: 869 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: May 2004 | Logged: 70.56.6.223
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Rykounagin
Son of Conflict
Member # 531
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posted 03-22-2005 04:34 PM
I got this e-mail yesterday, and felt I should share. NO offense is meant to anyone:My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead. Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body. We're not old people we're recycled teenagers! 186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law! A day without sunshine is like, night. A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day . According to my best recollection, I don't remember. All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand. Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two. Black holes are where God divided by zero. Do not put a question mark where God put a period. Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later. Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONQUERS YOU. He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged I Don’t Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles. Oh, anyone can make up statistics, Kent. 14% of People know that! 7/5th of the world population doesn’t know fractions I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD. Laugh and the world laughs with you cry and the world laughs at you. Man made beer, God made pot you make the choice My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that. To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me -------------------- "I'm not afraid to keep on living, I'm not afraid to walk this world alone;" -Black Parade
Posts: 869 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: May 2004 | Logged: 70.56.6.223
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