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(^_^)

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It was sent to me in an email, I have no idea where it originated...

But isn't it just hysterical?!?

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I know my sense of humor is pretty warped at times!

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I actauly got an email that was a funny church like one... I cant find it but heres how it goes...

Little Billy wanted a bike for his birthday, so he asked his mom, "mom can i have a bike for my birthday?" Now, billy wasnt exactly a "perfect child" he liked to get in trouble, so his mother told him "Ok billy, go upstairs and write a letter to god telling him why you deserve the bike."

Billy ran up to his room, got out a piece of paper and started:
"dear god... Ive been a very good boy this year, and i would like a bike for my birthday"
Now, bill knew that that wasnt the truth, so he crumpled the letter and started over.

"dear god... I have been an ok boy this year, i would like a bike for my birthday"

Now he knew that wasnt true either, so he started over again.

"dear god, I havent been a very good boy this year... But i would still like a bike"

He easily realized that that letter would not get him a bike... Thoroughly upset he went down stairs and asked his mom if he could go to the church... His mom thinking her plan had worked said that he could, and he quickly went on his way...

upon reachign church he went up to the alter, making sure no one was around to see, he grabed a statue of the virgin marry, stuffed it in his jacket and ran home, then up into his room...

With that done he started again.

"Dear god... I got your momma, If you want to see her again, send the bike
Signed, You know who"

I donoo, it made me chuckle...

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"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

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Here it goes, its called the "purple flower" joke:

Ok, Little billy was walking to school, when this bully just picks up a rock and throws it at him... WHAP! the rock hits billy square in the head... Now billy's MAD so he wants to call the bully something mean... So out of no where he say's the first thing that comes to his mind...

"you...You...YOU PURPLE FLOWER" Now, the bully busts into tears and runs away crying... Now needless to say little billy was just ASTONISHED at how affective his insult had been, so he continued on to school with a look of amazment...

Now, he gets to school and his teacher rushes to him immiediatly "BILLY! billy your head is bleeding! what happened?!"

Billy looks at her in amazment and tells her. "well, i was on my way to school, when this bully picked up a rock and threw it at me... SO i called him a name and he ran away"

The teacher looked at him and replied "well billy what did you call him to make him so upset?!"

"Purple flower" he said, to which she grabbed her meter stick and WHACK richt accross the rear end... "go to the principles office, dont come back"

SO billy's kinda confused, so he heads out to the principles office, when he gets in the principle looks at him and say's "Billy, whats wrong? why are you here? Why's your head bleeding"

So billy starts again. "well, i was on my way to school, when this bully picked up a rock and threw it at me... SO i called him a name and he ran away... And when i got to school the teacher asked me what happened and i told her, she asked me what i called the bully and i told her, then she hit me with the ruler and sent me here..."

"well billy, what did you call the bully?"

Billy looked at the principle and spoke softly "Do i have to tell you?"
"yes billy, but dont worry i wont be mad"

"i called him a purple flower"

the principle gets out a newspaper from his desk THWAP! right accross the head "Go home, never come back"

So now billy's more confused then ever, and when he gets home his parants were sitting on the couch

"billy! what are you doign home so early! and why's yoru head bleeding! you look horrible what happened?"

"well, i was on my way to school, when this bully picked up a rock and threw it at me... SO i called him a name and he ran away... And when i got to school the teacher asked me what happened and i told her... Then she sent me to the principles office, and the principle asked me what happend and i told him, and he asked me what i called the bully and i told him... He hit me with a newspaper and told me to never go back to school..."

"Well billy! whatever did you call the bully?"

"i dont want to tell yoU! youll get mad!"

"no billy, we're your parants, we'll undestand..."

"prple flwr" he muttered

"what billy?"

"I CALLED HIM A PURPLE FLOWER!"

Now his parants became INFURIATED they jumped up and threw him out the door "We dissown you billy! dont ever come back here again!"

So billy's just BAWLING his eyes out, and he wants to run away... So he's gonna go to albacurky... cause thats where everyone goes when they want to run away...

so he gets to the front of the line for plane ticket and the lady asks him "hey kid, what happened to you? do your parants know your here?"

So he starts, with the whole thing about the bully, and the teacher, and the principle and his parants...

ANd the lady say's "well what'd you call the bully?"

"I dont want to tell you, you'll get mad at me..."

"listen son, if you dont tell me i wont give you the ticket"

"Ok ok! i called him a purple flower!"

SLAM! lady shuts the window in his face...

So he sits down on a bench to think... He wants to run away... but how can he get there? Finaly he decides "i know, ill take the bus"

So he starts walking to the bustop... WHAM! gets hit by a truck... ANd the moral of the story is... Look both way's before crossing the street...

people get mad when you tell that joke... they usualy say "BUT WHATS A PURPLE FLOWER! WHATS IT MEAN!" then you get to say "what kind of demented freak are you! billy got hit by a truck, who cares about some stupid name!"

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You know I''ll be telling that at the next big party I go to!

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in the dirt, when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the

cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked

"What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully

without looking up,

"and I've just buried him.

The neighbor replied, "awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt
then replied, "That's because he's inside your
*&%#@ cat."

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OOOOH-- those two were JUST WAY TOO FUNNY. Hehe...

Sometime when I have time, I'll relate the one about the Tiz Bottle. It's another Purple Flower joke....

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No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her
and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its
size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is
she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye".

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) You have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day, when you're older, you are going to be very, very
disappointed."

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LILY - adverb. extremely, really "Wah, you lily can sing well!"
VALLEY - adverb. extremely (same with lily) "Look! My Versachee belt, valley nice hor?"
GORGES - adj. stunningly beautiful, normally found with valley "Wah! Ah Beng's girlflan is valley gorges leh!"
BEACH - noun. a derogatory term for a disliked woman "That Ah Lian is lily a beach, she shouted at me, you know."
CORAL - verb. to bicker "Why, you not happy, ah? Want to coral, is it?"
REEF - (normally followed with coral) to argue with "You lily want to coral reef me ah?"
DAM - noun. a swear word to express disgust or dismay "Dam it, call her go eat, she dun wan."
ALTITUDE - adjective. a disagreeable demeanour "Ah Lian lily got a bad altitude ploblem.
CIRRUS - adjective. certain "You cirrus or not? Dun bruff!"
CANOPY - phrase. impossible "He bought new handphone? Canopy lah! Where got money!"
OLD LADY - adjective. completed "Wah...you finish old lady ah."
SUIT - verb. to project forward "Suit! Suit! See goalkeeper come out old lady."
SOW - verb. to reveal "Sow me, sow me your new ting."
LOAD - noun. a path normally made up of gravel and tar "We go Orchard Load leh." BLINK - verb. deliver, send "What you blink for me? Sow me, sow me."

Don't get it? post here. Here is another great joke.

The Hunts were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included senators, congressmen, and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author, research group, and graphics team. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle Homer, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle Homer occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

And another.....

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory, I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So then, I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

hahahahaha

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Two bears were walking through a forest when they happened upon a lamp. Being of the curious sort, they picked it up and rubbed it. Smoke began to pour out of it, and a genie apperded.

"Thank you for releasing me," it said. "Now, I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first bear stepped forward. "I wish that every being on earth was a bear," he said. The genie nodded, and it was done.

The second bear then spoke. "I wish I had a motercycle." The genie nodded, and it was done.

Bear 1 then made his next wish. "I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me and my friend." The genie granted it.

Bear 2 also made his next wish. "I wish I had a helmet." The genie granted this too.

Bear 1 made his last wish. "Now, I wish that all the female bears found me and my freind irresistable." It was done.

Bear 2 stepped forward to make the final wish. "I wish my friend was gay." He then rode away on his motercycle.

---
He-he-he. That one makes me chuckle.

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A mother and father had two boys. These kids were troublemakers, pure and simple. They simply did not know how to behave. Now, it was a small town, so they didn't have any psychiatrists in it or anything. They had to do something about their kids, though.

Finally, they heard from a friend that a bishop at the local church had been effective in disciplining children in the past, so they gave him a call. He said that he would meet with the children alone, one at a time. The parents sent the older kid in first. The priest greeted him, then sat him on a stool.

"Where is God?" he asked calmly.

The child, confused, did not answer.

"Where is God?" the priest asked, more firmly.

The boy still did not speak.

"Where is God?" the priest said angrily.

Still the boy did not answer. The priest had had enough. He leaped forwar, putting his face up next to the boy's

"WHERE IS GOD?" he roared.

At this, the boy jumped off the stool, ran out of the church, and dashed home. He hid in a closet, and soon his little brother came and found him.

"What's wrong?" he asked concernedly.

"We're in BIG trouble this time!" the older boy replied. "God is missing and they think we did it!"

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***
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."

***
An Irishman Declares War on Iraq!

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no,we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.""Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old Austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?""Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

***
An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walk in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."

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Lol

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***
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

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Where did it come from?

I'm still laughing!

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