The Canadian Government has decided to assist the USA in the war against terrorism. They have agreed to send:

2 Large Fleet Support Destroyers
6,000 ground troops
26 Jet fighter/bombers

Of course, after the exchange rate the USA will receive:

1 Canoe
2 Mounties
12 Flying Squirrels

Loves Canada; always has, always will -- think I said that once, somewhere....

I KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE IGLOOS!

You have those furhide-covered teepees....

You should have gotten them all those itty bitty doggy snowshoes, and then you wouldn't have had any problem whatsoever. Er, the studded ones, for ice....

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years..

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Spiders?

*hurt arm before even reading part about everyone trying to lick elbow...

I knew about that cow/stairs thing, but 35% are married??

I do disagree about one thing...

quote:

---

Originally posted by Graysith:

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

---

And how precisely do you choke on a ballpoint pen?

Spiders...

Also, Gray's post count is also my birth year(1984)...

Thank you, that is all...

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "lets fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into that tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought…

(ready)

(You're gonna like this one)

Bush and his secretay of defense were in a bar, Bush say's to the bartener. "I'm gonna send over a huge NUKE to Iraq, killing all of the IRAQI army, and one BIG-BREASTED BLONDE."

The Bartender responded "Why would you kill the BLONDE with big BOOBS?!?"

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now very alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle:

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula! that might help you answer these questions:
What makes up 100% in life?

IF:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

THEN

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

AND

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

BUT

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%

AND

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND
Look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!

P.S. Sorry about the language, but the joke doesn't work with the clean version.

And the funny thing is, it's just so true!

Oh yes, FYI to everyone: I didn't edit Dash's post. I went into it to copy it so I could email it to friends, heh.

1. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a assing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

5. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

7. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

9. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

12. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

13. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

14. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

15. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

16. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

18. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

21. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

22. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

23. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.

24. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

25. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

26. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

28. There is always a parking spot directly outside the building you are visiting.

29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

30. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

31. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

32. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

33. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

34. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

35. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds.

Re #22: Actually, this is because 555 is the only non-used phone prefix in the United States. I read somewhere that Hollywood uses it so people's real numbers won't inadvertantly be up there on the golden screen.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon

1000 pains
1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line

454 graham crackers:
1 pound cake

1 million microphones:
1 megaphone

1 million bicycles:
2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds

10 cards:
1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks:
1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish:
1 microfiche

1 trillion pins:
1 terrapin

10 rations:
1 decoration

100 rations:
1 C-ration

2 monograms:
1 diagram

8 nickels:
2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
1 I.V. League

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

I RAN TO THE CABINET, GRABBED MY AUTOMATIC, SLAMMED THE CLIP IN AND CHAMBERED A ROUND. I ALSO GRABBED A FLASH LIGHT.

I WAS SCARED AS I SNUCK DOWN THE HALL TO THE BACK DOOR.

I OPENED THE DOOR AS QUIETLY AND AS SLOWLY AS I COULD.

I TIP TOED TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE WHERE I HEARD HIM STILL WORKING ON THE SCREEN.

I TURNED THE CORNER AND PUT THE FLASHLIGHT AND GUN IN HIS FACE AND YELLED, "HANDS UP!"

AND HE TURNED TO FACE ME....

IMAGE: forums.escapepod.net/myfiles/CatBurgler.jpg

Quite obviously a cat burgler....

It was sent to me in an email, I have no idea where it originated...

But isn't it just hysterical?!?

I actauly got an email that was a funny church like one... I cant find it but heres how it goes...

Little Billy wanted a bike for his birthday, so he asked his mom, "mom can i have a bike for my birthday?" Now, billy wasnt exactly a "perfect child" he liked to get in trouble, so his mother told him "Ok billy, go upstairs and write a letter to god telling him why you deserve the bike."

Billy ran up to his room, got out a piece of paper and started:
"dear god... Ive been a very good boy this year, and i would like a bike for my birthday"
Now, bill knew that that wasnt the truth, so he crumpled the letter and started over.

"dear god... I have been an ok boy this year, i would like a bike for my birthday"

Now he knew that wasnt true either, so he started over again.

"dear god, I havent been a very good boy this year... But i would still like a bike"

He easily realized that that letter would not get him a bike... Thoroughly upset he went down stairs and asked his mom if he could go to the church... His mom thinking her plan had worked said that he could, and he quickly went on his way...

upon reachign church he went up to the alter, making sure no one was around to see, he grabed a statue of the virgin marry, stuffed it in his jacket and ran home, then up into his room...

With that done he started again.

"Dear god... I got your momma, If you want to see her again, send the bike
Signed, You know who"

Here it goes, its called the "purple flower" joke:

Ok, Little billy was walking to school, when this bully just picks up a rock and throws it at him... WHAP! the rock hits billy square in the head... Now billy's MAD so he wants to call the bully something mean... So out of no where he say's the first thing that comes to his mind...

"you...You...YOU PURPLE FLOWER" Now, the bully busts into tears and runs away crying... Now needless to say little billy was just ASTONISHED at how affective his insult had been, so he continued on to school with a look of amazment...

Now, he gets to school and his teacher rushes to him immiediatly "BILLY! billy your head is bleeding! what happened?!"

Billy looks at her in amazment and tells her. "well, i was on my way to school, when this bully picked up a rock and threw it at me... SO i called him a name and he ran away"

The teacher looked at him and replied "well billy what did you call him to make him so upset?!"

"Purple flower" he said, to which she grabbed her meter stick and WHACK richt accross the rear end... "go to the principles office, dont come back"

SO billy's kinda confused, so he heads out to the principles office, when he gets in the principle looks at him and say's "Billy, whats wrong? why are you here? Why's your head bleeding"

So billy starts again. "well, i was on my way to school, when this bully picked up a rock and threw it at me... SO i called him a name and he ran away... And when i got to school the teacher asked me what happened and i told her, she asked me what i called the bully and i told her, then she hit me with the ruler and sent me here..."

"well billy, what did you call the bully?"

Billy looked at the principle and spoke softly "Do i have to tell you?"
"yes billy, but dont worry i wont be mad"

"i called him a purple flower"

the principle gets out a newspaper from his desk THWAP! right accross the head "Go home, never come back"

So now billy's more confused then ever, and when he gets home his parants were sitting on the couch

"billy! what are you doign home so early! and why's yoru head bleeding! you look horrible what happened?"

"well, i was on my way to school, when this bully picked up a rock and threw it at me... SO i called him a name and he ran away... And when i got to school the teacher asked me what happened and i told her... Then she sent me to the principles office, and the principle asked me what happend and i told him, and he asked me what i called the bully and i told him... He hit me with a newspaper and told me to never go back to school..."

"Well billy! whatever did you call the bully?"

"i dont want to tell yoU! youll get mad!"

"no billy, we're your parants, we'll undestand..."

"prple flwr" he muttered

"what billy?"

"I CALLED HIM A PURPLE FLOWER!"

Now his parants became INFURIATED they jumped up and threw him out the door "We dissown you billy! dont ever come back here again!"

So billy's just BAWLING his eyes out, and he wants to run away... So he's gonna go to albacurky... cause thats where everyone goes when they want to run away...

so he gets to the front of the line for plane ticket and the lady asks him "hey kid, what happened to you? do your parants know your here?"

So he starts, with the whole thing about the bully, and the teacher, and the principle and his parants...

ANd the lady say's "well what'd you call the bully?"

"I dont want to tell you, you'll get mad at me..."

"listen son, if you dont tell me i wont give you the ticket"

"Ok ok! i called him a purple flower!"

SLAM! lady shuts the window in his face...

So he sits down on a bench to think... He wants to run away... but how can he get there? Finaly he decides "i know, ill take the bus"

So he starts walking to the bustop... WHAM! gets hit by a truck... ANd the moral of the story is... Look both way's before crossing the street...

in the dirt, when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the

cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked

"What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully

without looking up,

"and I've just buried him.

The neighbor replied, "awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

OOOOH-- those two were JUST WAY TOO FUNNY. Hehe...

Sometime when I have time, I'll relate the one about the Tiz Bottle. It's another Purple Flower joke....

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her
and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its
size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is
she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye".

LILY - adverb. extremely, really "Wah, you lily can sing well!"
VALLEY - adverb. extremely (same with lily) "Look! My Versachee belt, valley nice hor?"
GORGES - adj. stunningly beautiful, normally found with valley "Wah! Ah Beng's girlflan is valley gorges leh!"
BEACH - noun. a derogatory term for a disliked woman "That Ah Lian is lily a beach, she shouted at me, you know."
CORAL - verb. to bicker "Why, you not happy, ah? Want to coral, is it?"
REEF - (normally followed with coral) to argue with "You lily want to coral reef me ah?"
DAM - noun. a swear word to express disgust or dismay "Dam it, call her go eat, she dun wan."
ALTITUDE - adjective. a disagreeable demeanour "Ah Lian lily got a bad altitude ploblem.
CIRRUS - adjective. certain "You cirrus or not? Dun bruff!"
CANOPY - phrase. impossible "He bought new handphone? Canopy lah! Where got money!"
OLD LADY - adjective. completed "Wah...you finish old lady ah."
SUIT - verb. to project forward "Suit! Suit! See goalkeeper come out old lady."
SOW - verb. to reveal "Sow me, sow me your new ting."
LOAD - noun. a path normally made up of gravel and tar "We go Orchard Load leh." BLINK - verb. deliver, send "What you blink for me? Sow me, sow me."

Don't get it? post here. Here is another great joke.

The Hunts were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included senators, congressmen, and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author, research group, and graphics team. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle Homer, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle Homer occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

And another.....

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory, I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So then, I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Two bears were walking through a forest when they happened upon a lamp. Being of the curious sort, they picked it up and rubbed it. Smoke began to pour out of it, and a genie apperded.

"Thank you for releasing me," it said. "Now, I shall grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first bear stepped forward. "I wish that every being on earth was a bear," he said. The genie nodded, and it was done.

The second bear then spoke. "I wish I had a motercycle." The genie nodded, and it was done.

Bear 1 then made his next wish. "I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me and my friend." The genie granted it.

Bear 2 also made his next wish. "I wish I had a helmet." The genie granted this too.

Bear 1 made his last wish. "Now, I wish that all the female bears found me and my freind irresistable." It was done.

Bear 2 stepped forward to make the final wish. "I wish my friend was gay." He then rode away on his motercycle.

A mother and father had two boys. These kids were troublemakers, pure and simple. They simply did not know how to behave. Now, it was a small town, so they didn't have any psychiatrists in it or anything. They had to do something about their kids, though.

Finally, they heard from a friend that a bishop at the local church had been effective in disciplining children in the past, so they gave him a call. He said that he would meet with the children alone, one at a time. The parents sent the older kid in first. The priest greeted him, then sat him on a stool.

"Where is God?" he asked calmly.

The child, confused, did not answer.

"Where is God?" the priest asked, more firmly.

The boy still did not speak.

"Where is God?" the priest said angrily.

Still the boy did not answer. The priest had had enough. He leaped forwar, putting his face up next to the boy's

"WHERE IS GOD?" he roared.

At this, the boy jumped off the stool, ran out of the church, and dashed home. He hid in a closet, and soon his little brother came and found him.

"What's wrong?" he asked concernedly.

***
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."

***
An Irishman Declares War on Iraq!

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no,we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.""Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old Austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?""Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

***
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Where did it come from?

quote:

---

Originally posted by TheKnot:[QB]I got all these from an Irish Joke site (obviously). The address is:
http://users.bigpond.com/kirwilli/jokes/jokes.htm[/QB]

---

1) That's not right .......................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ................................. Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ................................ Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ................... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ............ Ai Bang Mai Fa
Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift ............. Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ..................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet .............. Wai Yu Mun
Ching

11) This is a tow away zone ................... No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight ...................... Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ............. Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive ............. Yu Stiin kin Pu

16) Great ..................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

Why do we drive on a parkway, yet park in a driveway?

((We all need to smile every once in awhile!!))

1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."

4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."

7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"

8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.

10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

...especially numbers 7, 11 and 17!!! (Still LMAO)

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

At New York Kennedy airport, today, an individual later discovered to be a
community college teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious
Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search
of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x"
and "y", and, although these individuals are frequently referred to as
"unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the great Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle."

Dear Dog,
I must say, it is much better around here without you. Though your incarceration at the pound was false, as you did not pee on the couch, or poop on the indian rug, or knock off all the china in the kitchen, it is much quieter without you. I've sent you a picture of me to keep the memories going.
The Cat

Dear Dog,
I must say, it is much better around here without you. Though your incarceration at the pound was false, as you did not pee on the couch, or poop on the indian rug, or knock off all the china in the kitchen, it is much quieter without you. I've sent you a picture of me to keep the memories going.
The Cat

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone

I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.

We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!

186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Do not put a question mark where God put a period.

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later.

Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONQUERS YOU.

He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged

I Don’t Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It

I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory

I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

Oh, anyone can make up statistics, Kent. 14% of People know that!

7/5th of the world population doesn’t know fractions

I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.

Laugh and the world laughs with you cry and the world laughs at you.

Man made beer, God made pot you make the choice

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.

To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy

WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

"If Bill Gates is Dath Vader then AOL is the Emperor - the evilest of all the computer world!"

...which is why I like to remain on their GOOD side.

I be nice to aol, aol be nice to me.

I've been with AOL for many years, sheesh, over 12 I think. No problems, everything is cool. What I especially like is that whenever something does arise -- usually on my end -- they have real live people you can call and talk with over the phone who help you get the problem resolved.