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1. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

3. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a assing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

4. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

5. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

7. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

8. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

9. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

12. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

13. You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

14. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

15. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

16. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

17. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

18. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

21. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

22. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

23. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.

24. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

25. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

26. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

28. There is always a parking spot directly outside the building you are visiting.

29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

30. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

31. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

32. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

33. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

34. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

35. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds.

36. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - not even while scuba diving.

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Re #22: Actually, this is because 555 is the only non-used phone prefix in the United States. I read somewhere that Hollywood uses it so people's real numbers won't inadvertantly be up there on the golden screen.

Re #34: That's just scary!!!

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1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee, Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?", you probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon

1000 pains
1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line

454 graham crackers:
1 pound cake

1 million microphones:
1 megaphone

1 million bicycles:
2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds

10 cards:
1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton

1000 milliliters of wet socks:
1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish:
1 microfiche

1 trillion pins:
1 terrapin

10 rations:
1 decoration

100 rations:
1 C-ration

2 monograms:
1 diagram

8 nickels:
2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
1 I.V. League

100 Senators:
Not 1 decision

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[ 06-08-2003 11:15 AM: Message edited 1 time, lastly by Dash Kelderon ]

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[ 06-10-2003 02:11 PM: Message edited 1 time, lastly by Graysith ]

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Tom, the Wal-Mart manager, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heroes.

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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Elephants are the only animals that can' t jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this post will try to lick their elbow. (^_^)

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I thought it was more interesting that a piece of paper can only be folded 7 times. So I decided to disprove this fact. I did manage to get 8 folds, but the last one was more like a roll than a fold. Give it a try and see what you get.

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I RAN TO THE CABINET, GRABBED MY AUTOMATIC, SLAMMED THE CLIP IN AND CHAMBERED A ROUND. I ALSO GRABBED A FLASH LIGHT.

I WAS SCARED AS I SNUCK DOWN THE HALL TO THE BACK DOOR.

I OPENED THE DOOR AS QUIETLY AND AS SLOWLY AS I COULD.

I TIP TOED TO THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE WHERE I HEARD HIM STILL WORKING ON THE SCREEN.

I TURNED THE CORNER AND PUT THE FLASHLIGHT AND GUN IN HIS FACE AND YELLED, "HANDS UP!"

AND HE TURNED TO FACE ME....

Quite obviously a cat burgler....

[ 06-20-2003 02:17 PM: Message edited 1 time, lastly by Graysith ]

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