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Author Topic: The Triad
Dash



Wise Ass

Member # 83

posted 03-03-2002 12:50 AM     Profile for Dash   Author's Homepage   Email Dash     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
ok before you burn this out sky (Anakin) just know that wheni write i just write I don't worry about run ons so please excuse the errors


“The Triad of Domination” (TOD) is a Extremist group that aids crumbling governments with military support the enemies of the Triad are, The Sharminaro: the Secret group bent on destroying the Triad. The Freedom fighters who are underpaid and ill funded. The Triad force numbers at 350,000 men are funded by the gold that was in fort Knox

TRIAD TIMELINE:
the rise of the triad year 0
The Freedom Fighters 3 years after the rise of the triad
the Sharminaro campaign 4 years after the rise of the triad
Wolfenstein’s attack on the weapon makers 6 years after the rise of the triad
the pistol man 10 years after the rise of the triad
Wolfenstien's attempt to overthrow Snider 11 years after rise of the triad
the fall of Snider 15 years after the rise of the triad
the rise of Creege 15 years after the rise of the triad
the fall of the non allifated groups 16 years after the rise of the triad
Sharminaro's return 20 years after the rise of the triad
the joining of Sharminaro and the Freedom Fighters-22 years after the rise of the triad
the fall of Sharminaro 24 years after the rise of the triad
the son of Carlos 27 years after the rise of the triad
The New Generation of Mercenaries 30 years after the rise of the Triad
The Fall of Creege, And the old generation of Mercenaries 31 years after the rise of the Triad
The Rise of Barrett 31 years after the rise of the Triad

TRIAD OFFICERS

Snider: -Real name: Mark Snider
The leader of TTOD he carries a colt .357 pistol in .45 large government style.(a really big and powerful .45) In battle he carried a Tommy gun,

he wears the pistol slung low on his thigh he is dressed in a nazi officer’s uniform with a new style combat belt Snider has been leader is general of the triad yet he is not called general Snider. He is called “Lord Snider”

many attempts to assassinate him. Finally Snider was assassinated by an unknown assassin with a pistol in a conference Colonel Creege became General Creege
SNIDER: KIA

Colonel Wolfenstein:-Real name: Arnold Wolfenstein
A coward who has his own base relies of Major Barrett and the troops to do what he won’t do Wolfenstein can not fire a pistol very well he did a favor for Snider at the being of the Triad he was made a colonel without rising through the ranks he didn’t even take officers training he is a tactical moron and a useless man he sends men to their deaths without honoring them he planned to be the head of the triad. he tried to overthrow Snider once but was assassinated by EITs
COLONEL WOLFENSTEIN: KIA

Major/Colonel/General Barrett: -Real name: Jefferson Barrett

brother of the famous mercenary Carlos Barrett

he is also as intelligent as Carlos yet Carlos is better in the field and Jeff is better tacitly their father did Snider a favor when the triad first started and Snider made both sergeants then Carlos became a lieutenant then he went into body guard training Jefferson became a captain at 30 and became leader of a training camp then became a major and was giving his own baDC he worked under colonel wolfenstien

he is a smart person and can lead the triad if he needs to he wears a nazi uniform bullet resident vest knee pads and elbow pads he has a glock 99 and a knife when in battle he carries a RG6 pulse rifle with shotgun attachment unstead of a grenade launcher. He is smart and he was promoted to colonel after Snider died

years later Creege was assassinated then Barrett became General,

GENERAL BARRETT: ALIVE AND ACTIVE

LT Colonel/Colonel/General Creege: Real name: Gordon Creege
knows all this enemies he is ruthless and will not waste men he wears a nazi uniform, he carries a Bretta 9mm
he is the 2nd leader of the triad a mastermind of tactics and strategies dresses like Snider, Creege intends to kill all non affiliated groups Creege is currently working on killing the Mercenaries unlike Snider, Creege prefers long range combat and using less troopers he has killed all the Suicide troopers with a bomb and took the weapons makers prisoner

he was still working on the mercenaries when he was killed by carlos

GENERAL CREEGE: KIA

Major Hasford: Real name: Thomas Hasford
Is a glory hunter was shot fatally but lived when the mercenary assassination backfired

Tried to overthrow Barrett and take power for himself

Major Hasford: ALIVE AND RECOVERING

TRIAD SOLDIERS

Black protector: AKA the bodyguard of the Leader of the triad

The bodyguards have bullet proof helmets and Flak jackets they have mp 10s and are trained by the best of the best lots apply for training 10 make it 4 become EETs or move up to be EITs or become officers 5 get kicked out of training

Shortly after Carlos was trained funding for this was cut back considerably these men were the best of the best now they are a little less then the best

Their weak spots in their armor are in their arms and legs also in their necks most bodyguards are captains and lieutenants when they go into training

Every bodyguard has is given a machete that is passed down from 1 bodyguard to the next it started on guard #3, Carlos being #2, stole the machete and used it while he was a mercenary: now a body guard for

Creege has gone threw 2 assassins in 1 month both assassins where executed lowly assassin seemed to be more intent on killing Creege’s bodyguard then Creege himself have been more efficient because of the death of Snider creege personal visited the former marine special forces training camp that the bodyguards where trained and chewed out the drill instructors personally then he gave a talk to the troops about loyalty

Barrett had one bodyguard before the power struggle

LIST OF BODYGUARDS:
1. TOM VEGA-DIED FROM ATTEMED ASSASSINATION
2. CARLOS BARRETT-WOUNDED IN ATTEMED ASSASSINATION
3. HARRISON PATE-DIED FROM ATTEMED ASSASSINATION
4. MICHEAL PEACH-DIED IN ATTEMED ASSASSINATION
5. JOHN HOLT- DIED IN ATTEMED ASSASSINATION
6. WILLIAM HARCOURT-DIED IN ATTEMED ASSASSINATION
7. CARL POTTER-EXECUTED FOR NOT HOLDING UP HIS OATH
CREEGE-
8. JAY FREDRICKSON- DIED IN ATTEMED ASSASSINATION
9. ALEX AMEDEO-DIED IN ATTEMED ASSASSINATION
10. WESLEY STAR- WOUNDED IN ATTEMED ASSASSINATION
11. THOMAS PERRY- RETIRED AFTER THE DEATH OF CREEGE
BARRETT-
12. JONESS CURD- Died in civil war

CURRENT BODYGUARD- none


soldiers of TOD: are dressed in black they carry AK 47s and the newer AK 74s and also a few MP40s as Germans used in world war II some have AUGs

other kinds of soldiers like when a Triad trooper turns into an officer he gets more gear and is now know as a triad officer there are more soldiers in the triad then any other kind trooper

a rising star of the triad is a Sargent Winston who is one of the original triad solders he is old and he looks gruff, tough and nasty he has seen most all of the triad battles, the Shaminaro campaign, the pistol man, the fall of Snider, Shaminaro’s return all of these he has fought in he’s strong and his sleeves are always rolled up his AK 47- witch he has had since he joined. His AK’s magazines are always taped together, His sidearm is a special silver plated .45 awarded for valor in the face of the enemy. Carlos was awarded one and it has since disappeared. The pistol man’s pistol where the silver plated .45s it is unknown where it obtained them.

Another soldier who has been with the Triad for a very long time would be a Corporal Jonathan Foster a former Marine in the United States military due to lack of funds, surplies Foster went insane and picked up a Mp 40 from a fallen triad solider and foster went about killing his own men at the time he was a lieutenant he then surrendered to the Triad and begs them to let him join them the leader of the squad wanted to kill the marine but Foster’s brother who just happened to be in that squad convinced the other soldiers to spare his life, the officer was out voted and foster made it into the triad of domination training witch he made it through with honors he quickly made corporal and now serves under Sargent Winston


Triad officer: are troopers that have vests knifes helmets and masks, a pistol and a AK 74 machine pistol

Special Combat Troopers:

Shotgunners
are troopers with shotguns they have vests not bullet proof but vest to hold extra ammo SG are behind CQC troopers in a squad line they have shotguns as side arms

Sharpshooters
They are dressed in gray and carry Barrett sniper rifles, these troopers carry brettas and shoulder belts Have knifes plus binoculars

Triad guards AKA Triad MPs
have bullet proof vests and carry Glock 17 when in combat they carry Shotguns, mp 5s Ak-74s, these guards are used as cops and door guards, the ranks of guards go like this, Triad Guard, Guard supervisor Chief guard that’s the equal to private then Sargent then captain

Close Quarters combat troops:
are dressed in blue and have Scorpion’s and a large claw, On there left hands CQC troopers are point men of Triad squads.

Heavy Weapons Men:
carry gattling guns and are dressed in desert uniforms, HWM have the name “men” instead of “troops” because of the scarcity of Heavy weapon troopers in the triad, there is only 1 HWM for every 10 squads

Elite Troopers:

Elite Infiltration Trooper (EIT)
The EIT is the Black Op of Triad this kind of trooper was made after the pistol man came. They are trained as well to be mercenaries They are nameless, rankless, men sometimes women that do what squads of the triad Can’t do

EET (Elite Environment Troopers)
are dressed in green and have many weapons and lots of gear their Weapon is an AK 47 other weapons include a small shotgun these are trained to be a little more than a triad solider and less then a bodyguard they are jungle seal or Forrest seal of the triad


Project DEATH CYBORG:
a robot made by Snider’s scientists the first went on a ramage and tried to kill Snider but his body guard who turned out to be Carlos destoryed the machine.

Many more “Death Cyborg” have been made and improved yet most all have been damaged or destroyed the models go by ten such as the first model was coded DC-10 it was destroyed DC-20 was blown up by an unknown assassin DC-30 was damaged beyond recantation DC-40 was damaged by heavy gun fire DC-50 systems failure due to bad wiring DC-60 had it’s vision disabled then it was useless DC-70 was Destroyed by heavy weapons of the weapon makers when DC and some troops stormed the island of the weapon makers. DC 80 was never completed DC-90 was destroyed by Carlos DC-100 was more armored and more powerful than any others it went on a killing rampage and killed all guards and scientists in the science lab it hasn’t been se en since that all project snake eyes look the same they have spandex suit with a vest he also has a belt that that has a katana sword and a bretta his primary weapon is a AR-15 he also has a black mask Project Snake Eyes was canceled by Snider after DC 100.

brought back online by General Creege model started with DC 160 this is odd since the last model Death Cyborg was DC 100 the rumor of the pistol man being DC 150 makes it a little less then a rumor that also means DC 110,120,130 and 140 are missing if they were ever made.

Mercenaries


Pistol man: a man in a black mask like Uzi and Magnum but this man He has 2 45 pistols and can fires both at the same time he is dressed in all leather.
Although his name is not known he the pistol man wears no body armor
He/it tried to assassinate Snider but failed, a rumor that it may have been a Death Cyborg robot, but a more advanced model. the people who think this is true call him DC-150 yet the last project snake eyes model was DC-100 its also rumored it was made by DC-80’s body, he appears to be just like Magnum and Uzi was destroyed by Carlos
PISTOL MAN: Destroyed

Savior:
this man helps out other mercenaries he is not a independent
Operator we is the back up for most mercenaries he doesn’t now show up at the job yet it hes
seems to be around when they need him he carries a remington 870 shotgun with a pistol
Grip he also has a colt .357 slung low on his hip the same model as Snider’s was killed when creege was killed he was killed by Agent
SAVIOR: KIA

Magnum and Uzi
Magnum is the 2nd best mercenary can hit has well as Carlos can but magnum gets less jobs done then Carlos Does. some say Uzi holds him back. magnum has 1 old 357 magnum he had two before he gave 1 to Carlos when Carlos saved him during a team OP

he works with Uzi, and they have been working Together since the Shaminaro campaign. They were Once triad troops magnum was a sharpshooter back before the new model sniper rifles were given To the triad. magnum and brought his pistols to training with him his instructors saw how good He was a with a rifle and they brought him to Captain Barett, who was told by phone to bring them to Snider. Snider made them into mercenaries who would work for the triad and no one else, they have not stuck to this but have remained half loyal to The Triad magnum is more loyal to then Uzi is.

Uzi shoots before looking and is a full partner to magnum. Uzi wears a flak jacket the same kind as Carlos’s. He has a desert eagle on one leg and Extra magazines on the other under the jacket is an emergency colt 45 Uzi was killed by Redfire when Creege was assassinated Magnum was killed by Agent
UZI: KIA MAGNUM: KIA


Carlos: His name is Carlos Barett he was the second body guard for Snider went through
Very hard training was the best in the class he beat “project Snake Eyes” when It when
A killing spree and tried to kill Snider.

Carlos was shot in the shoulder when a group of
Freedom fighters came to kill Snider. Snider put Carlos on light duty and working under
His brother who was head of a training camp Carlos retired and became A mercenary Following him was uzi and magnum Savior, Carlos took a one man terrorist attack to the training camp that he was trained at some say it was for putting Carlos of light duty others say it was another job no matter who hired him the attack was half as good as Carlos expected. when he had a run in with Snider that made him think about his life and its worth to him, he took less jobs for more money Carlos helped magnum and Uzi in a joint job and Carlos saved Magnum’s life, magnum gave one of his magnums to Carlos who by then only kept 3 guns 1 pump action 5 gauge 1 12 gauge lever action and the 357. Magnum the other guns he gave away sold or destroyed he also put on a trench coat over his body armor when the unknown pistol man attacked the triad buildings Carlos was called in as a bodyguard Carlos had his .357 and his 5 gauge shotgun he shot the pistol man in the back he fall and Carlos shot him in the head he was about 30% power on normal energy he turned Carlos around so his back was to Snider and the pistol man was in the doorway then he bent Carlos’s shotgun Carlos got out his magnum and pumped 6 rounds into the pistol man’s face making him go out the door now the pistol man had 80% of his reserve energy but Carlos reloaded and put 6 more shots into the pistol man who’s reserve power level was at 40% he was sluggish but could still fight he got up and punched Carlos in the chest Carlos fell on his back and the pistol man moved in for the kill Snider opened up with his colt .357 and pushed the pistol man away from Carlos. Carlos got up reloaded and added too the shots fired at the pistol man. The pistol man was now at 50% of his emergency power he made a last try for Snider’s life he got up and he raised his arm to kill Snider mean while Snider was reloading and Carlos was going into the outer office were he picked up the AK-47 of a fallen solider he came back to see Snider on the ground and the pistol man over him Carlos raised the rifle and shot the pistol man in the head about 30 times the pistol man collapsed Carlos went over to Snider to find out that he was still alive

During the time of Creege, Carlos did jobs for other people all over the world he was unheard of for awhile

Retired then his son formed he stayed more in the shadows he finally came out of the darkness to go to the assembly of his death, and Creege’s Death

CARLOS BARRETT: ALIVE AND ACTIVE

Non-affiliated groups

Suicide troopers: they are a small group of people who are hired for large sums of money to go into a building and destroy everyone and everything in that building the money got from the operation half goes to the group to buy more explosives the other half goes to the suicider’s family they were finally taken out when Creege came into power the first thing he did was bomb the Suicide trooper’s buildings all the Suicide troopers are dead
SUICIDE TROOPERS: GROUP NO LONGER ACTIVE


Weapons makers: 3 men make up the weapons makers, Gerald Ivan Joe, the former colonel in the US army named “the captain” and “the tester” G.I. Joe designs the weapons the tester tests them and the colonel makes the deals they designed: the 557 magnum the RG-6 pulse rifle the Gi90 mega cannon, major Barrett bought a custom RG-6 pulse rifle with shotgun attachment all 3 men live and work in what was the grand hotel on an island in upper Michigan they control the entire island they have also created robotic chain guns that have posted all over the island colonel wolfenstein ordered 2 squads of soldiers 4 sharpshooters 8 E.E.Ts and 2 heavy weapons troops and Project Snake eyes model DC-70 to storm the island when the men got to the door of the hotel there were 4 soliders 2 sharpshooters and 1 E.E.T. The men got in and were ambushed by they 3 men with their inventions only the E.E.T. and one soldier made it off the island alive Gerald Ivan Joe carries a MAC 10 and pistol he has an IQ of 160 he is a genius “the captain” is a 50 year old man who does the deals for the group he carries a katon 590 automatic pistol it was designed by Gerald Ivan Joe it holds 70 small rounds in a pistol the tester wears a camo uniform with a M 16-50 made from a cut down and modified m 16 rifle he tests all weapons made by Gerald Ivan Joe the current tester is the forth tester 2 former testers were killed by the triad the other 1 was killed by an exploding gun

When creege came into power he catpured by blowing up any planes that tried to land on the island for parts or food or anything he also blew up the power plant that gave power to the island then he raided the island the 3 tried to defend themselves but were over powered and taken prisoner
WEAPONS MAKERS: GROUP NO LONGER ACTIVE

The Freedom Fighters:

These men and women are under funded overworked and not paid, these people are farmers with guns, there close to standard issue uniform is a light green uniform some say US Army other say nothing at all. they all have m 16 rifles with very few ammo, these people were the first emeny of the Triad followed by The Sharminaro,


Shaminaro: a smaller group then the triad lead by Shaminaro commander their base is unknown the triad, the triad has been bomarded by Shaminaros attack with no warnings, all the mercenaries were hired to kill commander Uzi and magnum found Shaminaro commander and uzi shot him

Shaminaro commander: a man in a black uniform he also wears a cape he leads his troops the victory almost every time he attacks the triad He was killed by uzi, he reappeared 16 years later.

Shaminaro troopers: they all wear urban camo uniforms they carry AR-15s they all look the same from a distance, one of the only things they’ve learned from Shaminaro is the commanding officers have boots with laces normal troopers have boots with no laces.

THE ASSASSINATION OF SNIDER:

Snider was about too give a speech at the grand assembly hall of the Triad of domination, Snider command center he started at 3:00 pm the speech was to last until 4:30 the speech was for the assembled triad troopers and officers it was also an award ceremony for Colonel Creege the assassin was dressed as a lieutenant so not to be hassled and to be able to go anywhere all the trooper assembled were disarmed but this assassin had the standard issue side arm with him all officers were lightly armed the security force of triad guards were all armed with MP-5s the personal guard of Creege had an M-16 the assassin releaved a triad guard and his back-up relieved the other at the other end of the stage one hour into the speech the assassin walked up the side took out his side arm and shot Snider four times in the chest the guard fired first followed by Creege then a sniper then another then another the last to fire was Snider’s bodyguard the assassin died and Snider slowly died. His body was cremated and was put in a bottle marked the leaders of the Triad its purpose was to mix the leaders ashes to bond them together Creege was made general and leader of the Triad of domination.

THE TRIAD CIVIL WAR:

After the destruction of the pistol man Colonel Wolfenstien broke away from the triad and took his troops and Major Barrett’s forces and also Lt. Colonel Creege’s forces and told them both that Snider had told him to mobleize all forces Creege asked why and wolfenstien pulled rank then when all forces were gathered, wolfenstien ordered creege and Barrett locked up, then wolfenstein took over the training camps and the science labs Snider had only 1/3 of the triad forces, the troops were told by wolfenstien that they were being mounted for a large operation then he
told Snider what he was up too, Snider being blinded by rage ordered an EIT too kill wolfenstien, Snider wanted his troops back without hurting any of them, using his troops to do his dirty work he ordered his troopers to kill anyone or anything that tried to get in the base. Although the EIT infiltrated and killed wolfenstein

27 years after the rise of the triad

Magnum being roughly 56 and Uzi appears to be about 53, old dogs with old tricks, they retired and spent their time expending shells. A muscle in uzi’s right arm had some problems so he now can’t hold his gun up with one hand magnum being old is still deadly.

Carlos still active but getting fewer and fewer jobs he is nearly retired he was thinking of asking creege to be an instructor of the elite body guard or the normal troopers, just then an alarm went off and Carlos ran for his armory there he was met at gunpoint by a 24 year old kid who had his SIG pointed at the older man’s head, the kid claimed he was Carlos’s son he also said he was an E.E.T. who’d seen Carlos when Carlos had been in the triad halls during the time of Shaminaro and the freedom fighters Carlos asked when he was born the young man told him and the kid said he was born during the orginal Shaminaro campaign he’d joined the Triad during the Shaminaro’s return and had fought the Shaminaros to the bitter end. Carlos was disarmed then when the young man’s back was turned Carlos took a small P7 pistol the young man was disarmed then Carlos drew some blood so he could tell if the young man was lying. The blood test showed that the man was not lying.

The young man said his name was Romeo Barrett his mother was Nicole Barrett, Carlos had had a wife but he didn’t remember a son nicole had be a freedom fighter commander and had hated her husband when he joined the triad, she’d disappeared when he became a mercenary he had taken a percent out of every payment and sent it too her, he didn’t know where it was going but he knew it got to her

Creege, getting on in years (63) but he stilled looked in his 50s he was still in command and was getting lazy, he hadn’t had to command anyone sence the fall of Shaminaro, the freedom fighters had been quite for about a year now, he figured it was about time to wake his troops up, he didn’t want to end up like the roman empire,

half his science team was making a new project Death Cyborg, that could interact with humans without sounding like a robot they were also trying to make it smaller like the DC 80 or better known as the pistol man the problem with making the robot smaller was that all the original scientists were all dead. And all their work was lost with them.

every sense that an attack was coming ether by the freedom fighters or Shaminaro or yet a new enemy that was waiting for the triad, the question was, was it as primitive as the freedom fighters or as up to date and in order and trained as well was the Shaminaro army was?, will it be a big army? A large fleet of choppers? Or maybe everyone was having an attack of nerves, the other half is working on a cloning system, witch is having problem because all the smart scientists were working on project DC 200 also known as Ultimate Cyborg Warrior (UCW) model 001 so far all the scientists have done have take DC’s 190 model and give it a face witch no other DC has, its still a large robot but it now looks vaguely human, the face they choose to put on the model was the face of the Snider

The Assassination of Creege:


Creege assembled the Triad forces for an important announcement, the old generation of mercenaries were invited, Creege was surpirsed the any of them showed up
He had then hired 2 assassins one male one female, their names were Agent and Redfire. Redfire acted as a sniper and Agent who acted as a guard chief, he is dressed in a suit

All the troopers were disarmed, but the EETS the outside EIT and the inside Triad guards, on the Platform at the beginning were: General Creege, Colonel Barret, Major Hasford and General Creege’s Aid Captain Wyler plus The gereral’s bodyguard

When the Mercenaries were in the back and armed. General Creege told the assembled that he was retiring soon. Then he invited Carlos And Romeo Barret up on the platform, they hesitated but went up a small, 3 walled Elevator

Redfire and Agent got in position the 3 mercenaries were Uzi, Magnum and Savior. Agent drew his custom 357 Desert Eagle Uzi Raised his gun but was shot by Redfire Magnum got his gun out and was a split to slow to fire. Agent shot Magnum 5 times in the chest Magnum got one shot off before he died. It got Agent in the shoulder, Savior almost got his shotgun up before he was taken out by the sniper, on the platform Carlos and Romeo reacted

Carlos shot the captain, punched the Major shot his brother in the shoulder then got the general at gunpoint, Romeo kicked the bodyguard in the ribs and the man flew from the platform ten feet, Guards were assembled at the foot of the stage the troopers just watched, then Carlos told Romeo to get out now! Romeo left then Carlos told the Colonel to stay down, Jefferson tried to tell Carlos to stop and put away his weapon, then the Major came forward arm raised to grab his wrist Carlos fired into Creege’s chest The General’s body armor wasn’t strong enough to stop the bullets, the guards below opened fire and turned Carlos and what was left of Creege into swish cheese The major was Fataly wounded but lived Colonel Jefferson Barret became the hated General Jefferson Barrett. Romeo made it out alive


THE DISTRUCTION OF THE TRIAD OF DOMINATION

General Barrett was overthrown by colonel Hasford

The colonel took an EET and an EIT and shot the body guard and locked Barrett away a civil war broke out Sargent Winston and Corporal Foster broke him out and he made a personal announcement that all Triad soldiers were DISBANDED

Jefferson Barrett went to live with his nephew, Foster and Winston act as his bodyguards Hasford was shot and killed

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If I cared I'd be smiling right now :{


Posts: 288 | From: Hell | Registered: Nov 2000  |  Logged: 172.156.161.139
Anakin



Retired

Member # 8

posted 03-03-2002 08:31 PM     Profile for Anakin   Author's Homepage   Email Anakin     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
It's hard for someone to read something when they can't tell where one sentence ends and another begins. There is no doubt you are 12 years old.

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Posts: 1663 | From: Louisville, Ky/Chicago, IL | Registered: Apr 2000  |  Logged: 172.164.211.9
Dash



Wise Ass

Member # 83

posted 03-03-2002 09:44 PM     Profile for Dash   Author's Homepage   Email Dash     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
God damnit Anakin I told to to ignore that are you stupid or just an asshole?

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If I cared I'd be smiling right now :{


Posts: 288 | From: Hell | Registered: Nov 2000  |  Logged: 172.136.234.117
Mara1Jade



Expanded Universe Goddess and Corran Obsessor

Member # 68

posted 03-03-2002 10:37 PM     Profile for Mara1Jade   Author's Homepage   Email Mara1Jade     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
e. e. cummings didn't even capitalize...

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Small minds think in small terms!
~~CMH, creator and writer of Shayla Petrolu, Erik Kartan, Shawn Petrolu, Terrin Danner, Jasyn Lancaster, Matt Stanza, Aaron Barnes, And Taylor Garrison~~


Posts: 972 | From: Jacksonville, FL, USA | Registered: Sep 2000  |  Logged: 146.201.38.88
Dash



Wise Ass

Member # 83

posted 03-04-2002 03:36 PM     Profile for Dash   Author's Homepage   Email Dash     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
hey Anakin i'm sorry man, its just can you get off my back for awhile and say some positive stuff about my writing please?

won't kill ya

it took along time to write this story

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If I cared I'd be smiling right now :{


Posts: 288 | From: Hell | Registered: Nov 2000  |  Logged: 172.149.53.53
Graysith



Chosen Daughter

Member # 27

posted 03-04-2002 05:32 PM     Profile for Graysith   Author's Homepage   Email Graysith     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
OK, here's my assessment:

1. You've gone into MUCH detail about each of your characters, their ammunition and weaponry, etc.

2. You need to flesh out your basic plot.--seems to me you have these characters "hanging around" waiting to aid a crumbling government, whichever and whoever that would be. YOU NEED A DEFINITE STORYLINE, not just a vague idea for one, and...

3. You have enough in your timeline for a LOT of stories. These are what need developing: HOW the Triad rose, HOW the main characters interacted with each other and got to be how and who they are.

4. You've gone a tad overboard regarding violence, I believe. I don't think the average reader would like reading about people having .357 Magnums full rounds pumped into their faces and so on, and all the detail where people are offed in one manner or another. I'd tone it down if I were you.

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I ride the Stormcloud and the Night!


Posts: 3904 | From: Indianola, Iowa | Registered: Jul 2000  |  Logged: 64.12.104.43
Anakin



Retired

Member # 8

posted 03-04-2002 07:26 PM     Profile for Anakin   Author's Homepage   Email Anakin     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
I'd love to say something positive, IF I COULD READ IT.

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Posts: 1663 | From: Louisville, Ky/Chicago, IL | Registered: Apr 2000  |  Logged: 172.141.89.52
Dash



Wise Ass

Member # 83

posted 03-05-2002 04:15 PM     Profile for Dash   Author's Homepage   Email Dash     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
GS thank you for the positve feedback I shall take it all into consideration

Anakin please just be nice for a week or something

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If I cared I'd be smiling right now :{


Posts: 288 | From: Hell | Registered: Nov 2000  |  Logged: 172.140.218.194
Anakin



Retired

Member # 8

posted 03-05-2002 09:46 PM     Profile for Anakin   Author's Homepage   Email Anakin     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
I was being nice, you twit. You wanted feedback, I told you it's hard to read when you can't tell the difference between one sentence and another.

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Posts: 1663 | From: Louisville, Ky/Chicago, IL | Registered: Apr 2000  |  Logged: 172.150.96.30
Dash



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Member # 83

posted 03-06-2002 04:56 PM     Profile for Dash   Author's Homepage   Email Dash     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
positve feedback would be great, putz

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Posts: 288 | From: Hell | Registered: Nov 2000  |  Logged: 172.144.133.249
Anakin



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Member # 8

posted 03-06-2002 09:53 PM     Profile for Anakin   Author's Homepage   Email Anakin     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
You can't expect positive feedback if people can't read what you wrote.

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Posts: 1663 | From: Louisville, Ky/Chicago, IL | Registered: Apr 2000  |  Logged: 172.137.143.6
Dash



Wise Ass

Member # 83

posted 03-07-2002 03:34 PM     Profile for Dash   Author's Homepage   Email Dash     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
what about GS? hmmm she read it and gave positve feedback

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If I cared I'd be smiling right now :{


Posts: 288 | From: Hell | Registered: Nov 2000  |  Logged: 172.152.80.65
Anakin



Retired

Member # 8

posted 03-08-2002 11:18 AM     Profile for Anakin   Author's Homepage   Email Anakin     Send New Private Message   Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote
It took her more than one try to read it, and probably a lot of time to figure out what word goes with what sentence.

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Posts: 1663 | From: Louisville, Ky/Chicago, IL | Registered: Apr 2000  |  Logged: 172.128.168.162

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