At this time of year, after the holidays, ads for weight-loss programs
saturate print media and the airwaves. Even TV talk shows devote time
to the battle of the bulge. I caught part of a Dr. Phil episode in which
the prominent self-help guru was evaluating the situation of one
overweight guest. The woman commented that she'd like to buy a horse
so she could get exercise via riding. "That's great for the horse,"
responded Dr. Phil drolly, "but what good is it for you?"

Obviously, Dr. Phil has missed out on the cardiovascular workout we
women get attempting to get into a sports bra and riding pants....

Clearly, the good doctor doesn't own a horse. At least, not the right
horse. A quiet, well-broke, agreeable mount may indeed not offer much
in the way of fitness training. But, the right horse (and most of us
have owned 1 or 2, haven't we?) will provide a body-building,
cardiovascular- enhancing workout that would make Richard Simmons
envious.

Allow me to explain....

With the right horse, you begin your fitness program by walking out
to the pasture. As you stride briskly, you carry the halter and lead
rope behind you, pushed up high on your back so the lead doesn't
drag. The purpose of this is to tone your chest and upper-arm muscles
(because you're not fooling your horse, for he knows what you carry).

As you approach to within a few feet of him, he'll walk slowly away
from you, but at a pace just so you can't reach him, then stop. This
will be repeated several times in succession, until you're ready to
jog. At that point, because you own just the right horse, he will
trot, then gallop around the pasture. If you're at the advanced level
of fitness, you may continue chasing after him for maximum aerobic
benefits, or just stop and start throwing rocks at him to give your
rotator cuffs a workout. (Make sure you switch throwing arms. Not
only is this a benefit to you, your horse will think it hilarious).

Beginners may prefer to toss the halter and lead on the ground, bend
forward from the waist, and engage in heavy breathing and chanting
(that's what we'll call it, anyway -- chanting) as the horse
continues to circle the field. For those of you that have experience
with this exercise, you may choose to throw the halter and lead, walk
briskly, bend, pick up, repeat. When the horse determines you've had
enough of this warm-up session, he'll allow you to catch him.

Now comes the total upper-body workout of grooming. The right horse,
of course, will be caked in dried mud. The cement-like consistency of
it will require work-to-exhaustion effort of your biceps and triceps.
NOTE: This exercise has added value, the dried mud will stick to your
face with perspiration, instant facial!

Next comes the bending, stretching, and toning of hoof-picking. Bend
over, pick up the horse's left front foot, then be prepared to jump
back as he stomps it back down to the ground, narrowly missing your
foot.

(Keep your knees bent as you jump, to protect your lower back.) Reach
down and pick up the foot again, hopping about with the horse to
maintain your grip as you attempt to pick what seems to be dirt mixed
with Super Glue from the hoof. Eventually the horse may stand still;
you may be chanting by this time. Repeat the entire circuit 3 more
times with the remaining feet.

Once you can stand erect again, it's time for the insect repellent
exercise. True, with this one, your horse may actually get more of a
workout than you do, but you certainly get more of the repellent. It
goes like this: Squirt!-circle- circle.
Squirt!-circle- circle.
Squirt!-circle- circle--- and so on, until you're completely misted
with repellent and chanting 'whoa you sonofabitch whoa'. To receive
maximum benefit from this exercise, make sure you are at the
beginning of a deep inhalation during the 'squirt' cycle and exhale
after the last chanting 'whoa'.

With the right horse, saddling up provides both aerobic and strength
building benefits. The trick is to keep your feet moving as you heft
the saddle blanket over and over (and over), trying to keep it in
place on a moving target. The blanket exercise warms you up for the
saddle exercise, for which the routine is the same, only the weight
is much greater -- perfect for buffing those hard-to-tone shoulder
muscles.

Now comes the mounting exercise. With the right horse, it's left leg
up, hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. Left leg up,
hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. For balance, go around
to the other side and continue the exercise (right leg up,
hop-hop-hop, heavy breathing, right leg down, heavy breathing, etc.).

When your heart rate begins to exceed your target range, look for a
bucket. Bend over, pick it up, place it
upside-down next to the
horse, wait for the horse to move away, then bend over, pick it up
again, place it next to the horse, and so on. NOTE: This is a cooling
down routine, not to be confused with the warm up pasture-routine.
When the horse deems you've had enough of these repetitions, he'll
stand still and allow you to actually mount. At this point, of
course, you'll be too exhausted to ride and your facial mask will be
dropping off in chunks.

It's best not to overdo it, so dismount, grab a glass of wine, and
head in to recover in a hot bubble bath.

--------------------

--------------------